What a year. Full of excitement, heartbreak, hardships, uncertainty, love and sadness. It was overwhelming to say the least. I felt very lost and consumed by everything. Things were happening and I was just watching. I took a break from blogging as my mental health got quite bad. I want to give my best to this blog and the best quality. A lot was going on in my personal life and it took over. Now I am ready to share and start my recovery.
I turned 18! One of the happier memories of 2018! The day went so well and I look back with nothing but happiness!
I got my first tattoo! Now I have the bug and want more. My tattoo stands for self-love. It means a lot to me and at that point in my life, I was happy. I need to get back to that place.
I fell in love with Amsterdam! What a beautiful place. I felt so relaxed. Need to go back and feel that calm again.
My little nephew was born. He has brought so much love and happiness into the family. I love him so much. I’m so proud of my sister. Such a magical thing to have happened.
I went through a tough breakup. I think I will make a separate post about breakups and what I have learnt. However, at that moment it was shit and extremely hard. Even though I was the one breaking things off it didn’t make it any easier or less painful. Especially when you have shared so many amazing memories with that person. I had to do what’s best for me. The emotional blackmail and strain it took on my mental state were exhausting! That summer was hard and long! I was ill mentally and physically for about 6 weeks. I broke someone’s heart and the pain of that broke my own. I am not that sort of person and hate seeing someone unhappy but I have to prioritize my happiness. It turned bitter and nasty at the end which was never my intention. Breakups aren’t nice for anyone, no matter the situation!
Tempory happiness was something I got very familiar with. However, it is not healthy and I look back and realise that person wasn’t me. I felt deeply sad and lonely and did things that I’m not proud of. You realise how toxic your behaviours were when you come out the other side. I was with the wrong people doing the wrong things. I wanted to feel wanted and to have that pain taken away. However, it just put a plaster on the pain and unhappiness. It didn’t go away. Tempory happiness can be addicting but it’s not forever and you still feel the same after. Break out of that habit as it only causes you more pain.
A family illness took up a lot of my time mentally and physically. My head was all over the place full of worry and sadness. When you watch a loved one go through such a hard scary time it can affect you too. While everything is better now it was still one of the most straining emotional couple of months.
My job has ben very uncertain and looking for other jobs was hard. I saw all my friends go to university which I would have loved to go but unfortunately my grades aren’t the best. This took a massive hit on my mental state as I felt not good enough. I tried everything to get into somewhere and nothing was working. I looked at so many different options, made calls, sent emails. It was very draining. I would have thrived at uni. I love being independent and living on my own. I would have studied hard. However, it just wasn’t meant for me at that time.
A positive thing was my friends! I can not thank those beautiful people enough for being by my side through it all. Cheering me up and always being a phone call away when I’m in need. The nights out, the dinners, coffee chats, the adventures we have shared have been amazing and the happiest times. The best memories have been out with my friends drinking one too many cocktails and laughing. I have discovered more than ever the importance of friendship and I have got the best people around me. It’s taken some time to find a handful of good people but they are gems. They have been there through all the failed love affairs, the drama, the breakdowns and all the happy times too. You know who you are. I love you all.
Christmas was weird. It wasn’t very happy and festive for me. It was very lonely and sad. A lot happened in December. I lost a few people. Got my heart broken. It was tough. The year has been tough. However, I feel I have grown so much and the year has shaped me into the person I am today. I am stronger, wiser and ready for 2019. It will be the year of new beginnings. I have started learning to drive. It’s so scary but I haven’t crashed or had a breakdown… yet. I hopefully start a new job this year and be a bit more stable with work. I am seeing a doctor tomorrow about my mental health which I’m quite anxious about but it’s time to finally admit I need some help. I can’t keep doing it on my own. I have a lot of pride and it was scary admitting that maybe I need some help but it was a strong thing for me to do. I have coped so long on my own that I owe it to myself to find peace and happiness.
I want 2019 to be a happy year. I’m going to really work on myself, Love myself and be a better me. The year of recovery. I am getting back into blogging and I have a few ideas. Looking forward to seeing what 2019 brings. It’s realising it’s okay not to have your life figured out. Just take it step by step because good things take time.
Happy New Year Everyone! This year look after your mental health and be the best you can be. Love yourself and be true to yourself. I want you to realise that what is put on social media is a highlight reel. You don’t really know what’s going on in someone’s life. It’s not always as good as they make it out to be. I’m sharing my story to let you know that we are not alone. We all go through things but we can be strong and get through the other side.
Lots of love and happiness
Alice xo
Alice Woodward 