Healing

Healing. Well it’s just uncomfortable. Re-wiring your brain is uncomfortable. It feels the most unnatural thing. Wanting connections but realising you need to connect with yourself. Healing all those wounds that have been ripped open. If you had a cut on your hand it wouldn’t heal instantly and that dull ache and pain will be there for a while. 

I have an anxious attachment wound. Wanting to give constantly, love bomb and connect everyday. That feeling of being abandoned again and again. A constant cycle of torture. It’s not pretty and I’m not out of it yet so right now it feels never ending but I’m fighting it. 

I think the worst part is knowing. Knowing I can be better. Knowing that I am strong. Knowing that it will pass and being okay to letting things be. Control freak. That’s the branding. The fear of not being in control of everything because once you needed to be.

Learning that you don’t always have to be. One thing I’m learning is not everything is urgent. Not everything needs to be loud and clear. Not everything has to be chaotic. 

It can be calm. It can be stagnant. It can be slow but that is okay. Calming that nervous system that has been in fight or flight mode since I can remember. 

I think the quiet makes you realise the noise you have been ignoring. 

My days aren’t spent doing much. I always feel a silent guilt when someone asks me what I have done on my days off. 

How do you explain that you’re simply spending your days healing all the pain. Sitting with the pain.

I spoke in my other post about sitting with pain. I’m still sitting with it. Hoping it will go away but it won’t until I address my inner issues. That’s the thing we often look for outside distractions to fill up that emptiness. Pretending we can’t hear the silent screams. 

It will meet you eventually. You can hide. You can drink it away, smoke it away, use other people to seek that comfort. Until you look yourself in the mirror and admit to yourself that this is all a cover up. We talk about being honest and loyal to others but when it comes to ourselves we act like we aren’t people too. 

I don’t think I have ever really seen myself till lately. May sound weird and I wonder if you have felt like this but that you aren’t a person. 

The way we think and feel towards others we often don’t believe we deserve. It’s odd when you really think about it. 

I think my biggest shock was when I started my new job and everyone couldn’t stop praising me and saying kind things. It felt alien to me. I didn’t think I was worth that or seen.

We are all people. I think a hard concept is that some people love us and we don’t see it and that’s sad. Having trust that what you put out in the universe will come back. If you know you’re a good person and show those actions then people will see you as that and if they don’t then that’s their own inner demons. Believe what people show and tell you. I’m not saying be naive but take those compliments. They are true! 

Be secure in yourself. You are worth it. You are worth all those nice things people say about you. Believe it. You brain can be cruel. But you can choose to think differently. Takes time and you will slip up sometime but that’s all part of the human experience.

Learn to be secure on your own. You don’t need other people’s validation, approval and love. You have that inside of you already but you need to learn to let that inner child heal. The girl begging to be loved. Be the girl who knows what she brings to the table. Love and relationships should be equal. They add to your life they don’t depend on it. You shouldn’t depend on anyone but yourself for happiness. The love that is the most important is your own. Work on it and start doing things for you. 

Loving yourself will look different in so many people’s eyes don’t feel pressured to doing it right as there is no right way. 

Some people it’s quitting smoking, some people it’s drinking more water, some it’s meditation, some it’s therapy, some it’s letting yourself relax. Sometimes it might not always look healthy in others eyes but they are not viewing from yours. While you are surviving sometimes you need a comfort just don’t get too comfortable. Whatever way you are healing it is fine and okay. 

To anyone in that weird in between. The void of who you were and who you are becoming. I see you. I feel you. Keep going. The other side will be better than you imagined and believing that and embodying that is what will get you there. It won’t feel comfortable. It will feel heavy but that’s what change feels like. Take a look at how far you have come. Have a look at your past self- do you wanna stay where you are? Or experience something new and different.

Partly writing this to encourage myself. 

Starting anything new will feel scary at first. Look at all the things you once started and now look at you ready for something else. Be proud you are growing. On those days where it feels a little too quiet. Where your brain is itching for the chaos. Take a breath and be still. Chaos is a coping mechanism. Still is a way of being. 

Lots of love and happiness 

Alice xo