Hello.. been a while; coming up to 3 whole years to be exact.
Reading back my recent post was an interesting feeling as I’m not that girl and bless her she thought she had it figured out… well she was wrong.
Before I do my usual ramble. I wanted to start by saying Happy New Year. Nothing like a new year to start up again. I have been wanting to write for so long but it just never came to me. It’s a loss I have felt as it made me feel better writing it all down and well you’re in luck because I feel I have lived a whole life since then. It’s weird looking back because you think nothing had changed but actually everything has changed. I don’t know how long I will keep this up- trying to not put pressure on myself so this could be a one off or you will get sick of me haha. But buckle up I have learnt some shit.
I will do a brief summary of my last post and kinda what’s been going on as I want to do a whole post on it as I’m so passionate about the topic. I now know after research and getting to know myself more that I have ADHD. I have been on the waiting list for 3 years now. My journey has been crazy and it’s far from over. What’s crazy to me is that I have spent most my life trying to figure out why I’m so different and why I experience things so differently to everyone else- it’s been truly exhausting. It was me that discovered I had ADHD. I have been misdiagnosed for years and if you read my last post you will see how happy I was to have answers. Sadly they were incorrect and the education and knowledge on women with ADHD is outrageous! Years I have spoken to the GP, Crisis teams, adult mental health professionals, counselling (paid and NHS) and none of them knew what to say to me they couldn’t fully understand. So they stuck a label that wasn’t true a brief phone call. Medication that is strong and I need monitoring on that actually doesn’t work for me. But that’s just a crack into what’s been happening but more on that another time.
Over time I have been writing things in my notes knowing that one day I will start up my blog again. This is a little piece I wrote over Christmas about my ADHD.. I wanted to include it as I think it sums it up.
ADHD and me
The overwhelming feelings bubble over next thing I know I’m shouting saying things I never meant. Losing family over a misunderstanding I can’t control. The fear and backlash, the guilt and the emptiness come flooding in. It was never what I meant but it was what I said and I can’t take that back but don’t worry I will beat myself up for weeks. You may have forgotten but I never will that feeling inside me burning out of control. I get why you’re angry but please have some sympathy as I care so much I can’t explain; but please understand when I say I do try to change my brain!
Reflecting over the year has been interesting. It’s been a confusing year. A lot of change. A lot of emotions. A lot of everything really. Started with a job. Went on jury service (loved it)- I will maybe do a separate post on that if anyone is interested. It did change my perspective of what I want out of life. My mental health crashed. Quit my job, nothing to go to (still nothing..) had some weird but eye opening experiences and then it was the end of the year.
It goes so fast and in a blink everything has changed. I don’t know if I’m more nervous or excited about not knowing where this year will go. It could literally go any way. One thing I have learnt is to try and be kinder to myself in this uncertainty.
It’s not the year I thought it would be, it’s not the year I wanted it to be but I think it was something I had to go through. It got quite painful but I’m here. I’m proud of myself for that and you should too!
I will be back soon hopefully but I think that’s enough rambling. Hope that’s given an insight and I want to thank everyone that reads. Even though I have had a roughly 3 year break I still see the stats go up of people reading.
So here’s to uncertainty and being a little kinder to ourselves in the process of becoming. A famous saying is ‘none of us really know what we are doing.’
I think that really puts things into perspective.
Lots of love and happiness
Alice xo
Alice Woodward 