Self-control — the feeling of walking away from something you really want, because you know it’s not good for you.
Running from the pain is the easy bit. Hiding it with alcohol or other people. But truly sitting with that uncomfortable feeling? Well, it’s torture.
However, it’s needed. You can’t run forever. You can’t hide forever.
Growing hurts, but it will benefit you in the long run.
I sit here with my own thoughts, tempting me and trying to comfort me. Telling me that having a drink will make it go away. Telling me to text that person who ignores me, even though I really want to. Telling me to meet up with someone who means nothing at all, just to feel something.
Our minds can be so powerful. They want us to survive, and in doing so, they can play tricks on us, trying to take the pain away.
But really, that pain won’t ever go away until you decide to face it. You can’t just put a plaster over it and convince yourself it will disappear.
Sometimes, ripping that plaster off and just letting it hurt is the best option.
Very hard. Incredibly lonely. But you are stronger than your mind, and realising this will only help you get through it.
I wrote this a month ago when I was feeling particularly low. Writing really helps me process my emotions, and I thought I would insert this here, as it’s relevant to this post.
“My heart’s breaking. My lips are touching a third bottle. My mascara is running down my face. I’m chain-smoking.
Vices that I try to break, yet somehow they heal my heart more than anyone ever could.
Disappointed yet again. Expectations high again. What do I do so wrong?
The famous line spoken: ‘You’re so kind, loving and genuine.’”
Makes me sick.
Yet another person telling me.
I hate it!
Sometimes I just want to be mean and rude, but I can’t, because as much as I want to, it’s just not me.
So I sit with tears in my eyes, my lips touching a fourth bottle, tobacco clinging to my clothes.
It is what it is.
She will dry her tears, smile again tomorrow, and do it all over again.”
I realise I think about others so much that it consumes me. I’m always wanting to fix people and asking myself, “Why are they like that?” However, it’s not my business, and it has nothing to do with me. My focus should be on me.
So, I sit here a month later, proud of myself for not buying a bottle of alcohol to drain it all out. I’m sat here with a face mask and some orange squash (classy, haha), but I’m feeling proud.
Although it still hurts, I’m writing and doing the thing I love. I have YouTube playing in the background, and I’m letting myself just be instead of destroying myself for other people.
It’s okay to go backwards sometimes. As I’ve said, we’re human, with emotions that constantly change. But having the realisation that you’re reacting to something better than you would have before is a good step in the right direction.
So don’t feel guilty or beat yourself up for falling back. Feel your emotions and move through them.
You are stronger than you think. You just gotta believe it.
That’s the thing with all these temporary, empty highs: they only numb the pain for a short amount of time before it all floods back in again.
I’ve written about this before, and it seems I haven’t learnt my lesson. But that’s okay, because we’re all human, and it’s normal to do so.
But I’m learning and growing, and I’m stopping myself — something the old me wouldn’t have done. And for that, I’m grateful.
It makes me realise that I’m a little more healed than I once was.
So, be kind to yourself today and realise that you are doing better than you were before.
If no one has said it to you lately, I’m proud of you. Life can beat you down, but to still be here, standing — that is strength!
Lots of love and happiness
Alice xo
Alice Woodward 